I won’t lie, charcuterie is a delicate art form. Parties of old featured the simple, yet vintage, “appetizer,” and maybe an oven full of pull-apart bread and ready-made mozzarella sticks. Not anymore! If you really want to impress, and feed a crowd with a plethora of palates, charcuterie is the way to go. My parties are kind of known for them, not to brag or anything.
I’ve seen all kinds of boards, and some are just straight-up amazing. I’m no professional (professional charcuterie boards are a thing, and they’re amazing if you have the option nearby!), but I can put together an impressive board in a pinch. I even buy my fancy crackers in bulk to keep on hand for the next get together.
If, like me, you love to host people, this is a skill you absolutely need to have. Crafting the perfect charcuterie board is simpler than you might think. With a few essentials, you can create an aesthetically pleasing and delicious spread that will impress even the most sophisticated palates.
the essential components
the meats
First and foremost, choose a variety of meats. This can include cured meats like prosciutto and salami, as well as pâté or terrine. Make sure to select meats that vary in texture, flavor, and color. My go-to’s are salami, prosciutto, and pepperoni – those won’t break the bank, but you can also really lean into the budget here if you’re not careful, or if you don’t care.
If you’re not about that animal-eating life, just grab extra of everything else, and up your sauce/spread game. A meat-free board is possible, and can be absolutely beautiful!
the cheese
I won’t go to any party that doesn’t have cheese.
Choose three to four different types of cheese, including hard, soft, and mild options. Some classic charcuterie board options include brie, cheddar, and gouda. You can also add more unique options like blue cheese or goat cheese. Don’t skimp out on the cheese, it’s arguably the most important thing here.
the accouterments
Don’t forget about the accouterments! I wish I knew what that meant. Quick detour.
ac·cou·tre·ment
noun
plural noun: accouterments
- additional items of dress or equipment, or other items carried or worn by a person or used for a particular activity.
as in “the accoutrements of religious ritual”
Charcuterie is a religious ritual, in my humble opinion, so this makes perfect sense. Again, this is an essential component, and easily where you could spend all your money. So listen up.
- Crackers and/or bread. It’s all about the crunch, here. Flatbreads, pita chips, pretzels, triscuits, ritz. Get salty, get nutty, get bloated. You’re safe here.
- Fruit and veggies. Especially if, like me, you’ve got vegetarians in your crowd, this is where things start to get colorful. Berries, apples, grapes & raisins get things real fruity, real fast. Pair that with crispy veggies like baby carrots, celery sticks, or raw broccoli, and everyone is happy.
- Sauces and spreads. This is how we tell the losers from the winners, folks. Find the smallest bowls you can possibly imagine and get some hummus, jams and jellies, nut butter, and whipped honey for added flavor variety.
- Pickles or olives. Always wanted to try those teeny tiny pickles, or the stuffed olives in the specialty aisle? Now’s your chance.
- Nuts. Cashews, almonds, peanuts, walnuts, macadamia, pistachios, pecans, whatever. Get at least two different kinds, or go nuts.
the board
Last is the board, duh. Listen up or you’ll regret it. Don’t get something completely flat. I don’t care how pretty it is. You want a little dip or a lip, or forget about picking it up and moving it or you’ll have grapes and almonds everywhere. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The bigger the better as long as you have somewhere to put it when you’re not having a party. If you have a small kitchen like me, consider getting a few smaller boards instead.
There’s all kinds of gorgeous boards made of marble and granite, but forget about them. No seriously. One raspberry that gets a little too comfortable, and you’ve got yourself a stain that never comes out. At least mine was a gift.
the process
I won’t lie to you like Big Charcuterie™ does (side-eye), crafting a charcuterie board is NOT a time-saver, or cheap, for that matter. This is for when you’re getting fancy, okay? Now that we’ve got that very important disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about how this is gonna go.
First, you’re gonna get starry eyed at the grocery store and fill your cart to the brim. Then, you’re gonna get to the checkout line and put 8-16 things back, depending how many stars you had in your eyes. Then, you’re gonna see the price and wonder if you should’ve just bought the mozzarella sticks instead. Stay strong.
Once you overcome your fears and get home, you might spend an hour slicing meat and cheese. Hope you got someone else to decorate for your party, because this is your baby now. Pro tip, if you blacked out at the store and bought six rolls of different meats, only slice one or two to start with. This way you can restock your board as the party goes on. If your guests aren’t feeling particularly hungry tonight, you’ve got more on hand for the next party that those people won’t be invited to. How dare they eat before coming to my house?
the presentation
Finally, presentation is key. Arrange the meats and cheeses in a visually appealing way, making sure to vary the colors and shapes. Use small bowls or ramekins to hold the accouterments and arrange them around the meats and cheeses. Use layers of meats, cheese, and crackers to create lines of separation. Consider adding sprigs of fresh herbs or flowers for an extra touch, if you haven’t already spent your life savings.
If you have vegetarians at the party, I’d suggest using crackers to separate fruits and veggies from meats, so they can grab their favs without an existential crisis. Or, if you went the smaller board method, consider making an exclusively fruit & veggie board.
When it comes to serving the charcuterie board, make sure to provide plenty of small plates, toothpicks, cheese knives, and napkins. Guests will appreciate having a designated space to sample the different meats and cheeses without having to juggle everything on one plate.
Pat yourself on the back, you now have a perfectly crafted charcuterie board. Enjoy with a glass of wine and good company. Hopefully you finished making it before the party was over.
-w.w.
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