Have you decided to go to therapy, but you’re struggling to find the right therapist? Or maybe you’re in therapy, and not sure if it’s time to go your separate ways. This comprehensive guide was designed to help you make the right choices for your mental health journey.

Choosing the Right Therapist can be… tricky

So you’ve finally decided it’s time to see a therapist. This is a great step towards healing – congratulations! I’ve been there, more times than I’d like to admit. There’s a temptation and sometimes even a social pressure to work through your issues on your own. You might have heard that therapists are quacks and they don’t really help you anyways. And there’s some truth to that, I won’t lie – not all therapists are good. And of those who are good, a huge percentage of them won’t be good for you. I am a firm believer that just about everyone can benefit from going to therapy. At the same time, everyone has different things that they need to work through in therapy, and it can be hard to know where to start.

That’s where I come in. I’ve been to a ton of therapists in my life. No shame, it’s just the truth. After my dad passed away when I was nine years old, my mom took us to grief counseling. Later on in my early teens, I would see a therapist for my anxious behaviors and depression. As I wrote about in my article on how to feel your feelings, this type of therapy wasn’t exactly helpful for me. It was treating the symptoms, not the root cause of my issues.

I’ve been to family therapy, group therapy, 12-step meetings, cognitive behavioral therapy, couples therapy, talk therapy/counseling, and now, EMDR trauma therapy. Through all my awkward first meetings with all these therapists, I’ve learned a bit about how to find the right therapist, and when to run for the hills. Today, I’d love to share what I’ve learned to hopefully make your search for a therapist a little bit easier.

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The comprehensive guide and insightful self-reflection exercises found in the Mind Body Whole Wellness Workbook serves as a valuable companion to enhance and support your mental health journey alongside therapy. By no means is this workbook or any self-help tool a replacement for professional help, but they can help you to reflect on yourself and stay consistent throughout your mental health and wellness journey.

Determine Your Therapy Goals

First things first, when you’re heading to therapy, you need to know why. After all, if you don’t know why you’re going to therapy, you won’t be able to tell whether or not a certain therapist is a good fit for you.

Formulating Therapy Goals:

1. Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on what you hope to achieve through therapy. Identify areas of your life where you seek improvement, changes you want to make, or issues you want to address.
2. Specificity: Make your goals as specific and measurable as possible. Instead of a broad goal like “I want to be happier,” break it down into specific aspects you want to work on, such as managing anxiety triggers or improving communication in relationships.
3. Realistic and Attainable: Ensure your goals are realistic and attainable within the context of therapy. Setting overly ambitious or unattainable goals might lead to frustration.
4. Short-Term and Long-Term: Distinguish between short-term and long-term goals. Short-term goals are immediate issues you want to address, while long-term goals are broader changes you aspire to make over time.

In another article, I go into more detail on how to set and achieve meaningful goals.

Examples of Therapy Goals

Therapy goals can vary widely based on individual needs and circumstances. Here are some examples across different areas of focus:

Mental Health:

1. Anxiety Management: To reduce panic attacks from twice a week to once a month within six months by learning and implementing relaxation techniques.
2. Depression Alleviation: To improve mood and motivation, aiming to engage in at least three enjoyable activities per week and challenge negative thought patterns.
3. Stress Reduction: To learn and practice mindfulness exercises for 10 minutes daily to reduce stress levels and improve overall well-being.

Relationships:

1. Communication Improvement: To enhance communication skills by practicing active listening and assertive communication techniques to decrease conflicts in relationships.
2. Boundary Setting: To establish healthy boundaries by learning to say “no” without guilt and improving assertiveness in personal and professional relationships.
3. Trust Building: To rebuild trust in relationships by attending regular couples’ therapy sessions and practicing open and honest communication.

Personal Development:

1. Self-Exploration: To increase self-awareness by journaling feelings and thoughts three times a week to better understand personal triggers and behaviors.
2. Goal Setting: To set and achieve short-term goals, like completing a course or starting a hobby, to increase a sense of accomplishment and purpose.
3. Self-Compassion: To practice self-compassion by challenging self-critical thoughts and engaging in daily affirmations or self-care activities.

Coping Strategies:

1. Anger Management: To identify anger triggers and practice relaxation techniques to reduce anger outbursts from three times a week to once a month.
2. Coping with Grief: To process grief by attending bereavement support groups twice a month and implementing daily self-care routines.
3. Developing Coping Skills: To learn healthy coping mechanisms for stress by attending stress management workshops and implementing techniques like deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. Exercise is another meaningful coping strategy that provides a healthy physical outlet for stress and negative emotions.

Behavioral Changes:

1. Substance Use Reduction: To decrease alcohol consumption by attending weekly support group meetings and learning stress-relief alternatives.
2. Healthy Lifestyle: To adopt a healthier lifestyle by incorporating regular exercise three times a week and following a balanced diet plan.
3. Time Management: To improve time management skills by using a daily planner and implementing time-blocking techniques to reduce procrastination.

Determining the Type of Therapy You Need:

There’s also all kinds of therapy modalities, so it’s also beneficial to get an understanding of what’s out there and start thinking about what kind of therapy might be best for you. You might need to try something out to determine if it’ll work for you or not, but you should at least get an understanding of your options.

1. Research Therapeutic Approaches: Familiarize yourself with different therapy types. Each approach has its strengths; for example, CBT is effective for managing specific issues, while psychodynamic therapy focuses on understanding underlying emotions and patterns. EMDR is used for trauma recovery, and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) emphasize present-moment awareness. Here’s a good resource I found on a few more and how each of them work.
2. Match with Your Needs: Consider your personality, preferences, and the issues you’re dealing with. If you prefer a structured, goal-oriented approach, CBT or DBT might suit you. If you want to explore deeper emotions and past experiences, psychodynamic therapy could be more suitable. If you’re dealing with a loss, it might be more beneficial to seek group therapy to connect with others going through a similar time.
3. Consultation Discussions: During consultations with therapists, ask about their therapeutic approaches and how they align with your goals. Inquire about their experiences using these approaches for issues similar to yours. Some therapists might specialize in one or two modalities, and some might have a more versatile approach. If you’re not sure what you need, you might want to seek out a therapist with a variety of modalities at their disposal.
4. Flexibility in Therapy: Some therapists blend multiple approaches, offering a more eclectic or integrative therapy style. Assess if a therapist’s flexibility in using various techniques aligns with your preferences.

Questions to Consider:

• What specific issues or concerns do I want to address in therapy?
• How will I measure progress toward my goals?
• What type of therapy aligns with my personality and preferences?
• Have I researched different therapy approaches to understand their methodologies and effectiveness?

Evaluation:

• Alignment with Personal Values: Ensure the therapy goals you set align with your personal values and aspirations.
• Therapist Collaboration: Collaborate with your therapist to refine and adjust your goals as needed throughout your therapeutic journey.

Understanding your therapy goals and the type of therapy that resonates with you enhances the effectiveness of the therapeutic process, fostering a more aligned and fruitful experience.

You Have Options: Being Selective When Choosing a Therapist

In today’s day and age, it’s easier than ever to find a therapist. With platforms like SonderMind and BetterHelp, you can even see a therapist online who takes your insurance. When I was younger, it was a grueling process to find a therapist. I cried to my mom to make the phone calls (even at 18 years old when I finally sought medication for my anxiety), because I was so anxious and ashamed for needing help.

I grew up in a rural town in Illinois, and there was maybe one therapist for every 20 miles or so. I had extremely limited options. Today, you can be picky. If you find a therapist in your area, and you don’t like them, look online. Even private practitioners who don’t work with the platforms I mentioned still schedule Zoom calls with their clients. If you live in a city, even better – you probably have 100 therapists within your city limits, many of whom will work with your health insurance. And if they don’t, some even offer a sliding scale payment system to make therapy more accessible.

So, how can you be picky when therapy is so expensive? After all, you don’t want to pay $60-$200 for a session with someone who isn’t a good fit for you. Here’s what you do.

Schedule a Phone Consultation

Scheduling a phone consultation with a therapist is a fantastic step toward determining if they’re the right fit for you. Here’s a breakdown of how to approach this and what to discuss during the consultation:

Scheduling the Consultation:

1. Contact Information: Begin by obtaining the therapist’s contact information through their website, directory listings, or referrals. I like to use PsychologyToday to search for therapists and read their biographies ahead of time.
2. Reach Out: Send an email or call the therapist’s office to request a consultation. Mention a few brief reasons for seeking therapy and propose some potential times for the call. Some therapists may not be accepting new clients at the moment. If this is the case, simply move onto another.
3. Confirmation: Once the appointment is set, confirm the date, time, and whether the consultation is free or if there’s a charge. Most therapists will do a 10-20 minute consult free-of-charge. Unless you have great health insurance, refrain from paying the regular session rate for a consult whenever possible.

What to Discuss During the Consultation:

1. Therapist’s Approach: Inquire about the therapist’s therapeutic approach and techniques. Ask how they typically work with clients and how they tailor their methods to individual needs.
2. Experience and Specialization: Discuss their experience in dealing with issues similar to yours. If you have specific concerns (like anxiety, trauma, or relationship issues), ask about their expertise in those areas.
3. Compatibility: Express what you’re looking for in therapy. Discuss your preferences regarding the therapist’s style, such as their level of guidance, openness to discussing certain topics, and communication style. Ensure the therapist’s approach aligns with your therapeutic goals. If you seek short-term, solution-focused therapy or long-term, deeper exploration, communicate this during the consultation.
4. Logistics: Address practical matters like session frequency, duration, and their policies on cancellations or rescheduling.
5. Cost and Insurance: If it’s relevant, discuss payment methods, insurance coverage, sliding scale options, and potential fees.
6. Trust and Comfort: Assess how comfortable you feel talking to them during the consultation. Trust your gut feeling about whether you can build rapport and trust with this therapist.
7. Personal Preferences: Express any preferences or reservations you have about specific therapy types. For instance, if you prefer a structured approach (like CBT) or a more explorative method (such as Psychodynamic Therapy), discuss these preferences.

Questions to Consider:

• What is your approach to therapy, and how do you typically work with clients?
• Can you share your experience in dealing with [specific issue]?
• What are your fees and payment options?
• How often do you recommend sessions, and what is your availability?
• Can you describe a typical session to give me an idea of what to expect?
• Can you describe the type of therapy you primarily practice?
• Are you trained in other therapeutic modalities?
• How do you decide which therapy approach to use with clients?
• Do you incorporate any alternative or complementary therapies in your practice?
• Are the therapies you offer evidence-based or researched for effectiveness?

Remember, the goal of this consultation is to gauge if there’s a good fit between you and the therapist. Trust your instincts; if something doesn’t feel right or if you don’t feel understood or respected during the consultation, it might be worth exploring other options.

Navigating Therapy: Staying Selective, Collaborating for Success, and When to End Therapy

So you’ve finally found a therapist you like. Congratulations! As you progress through therapy, maintain a selective mindset. Even after beginning sessions, ongoing reflection remains invaluable. Consider asking yourself pertinent questions: Is the current approach truly aiding your progress, or might another method prove more effective? This reflective stance not only empowers you in your therapeutic journey but also fosters a proactive approach to your mental health.

Staying Selective Throughout Therapy:

1. Evaluating Progress: Regularly assess whether the therapy is helping you progress toward your goals. Ask yourself if the current approach feels effective or if alternative methods might be more beneficial.
2. Open Communication: Keep communication channels open with your therapist. If something feels off or if you’re unsure about the approach, discuss it openly. A collaborative dialogue often leads to more effective outcomes.
3. Flexibility in Approach: Be open to exploring different therapeutic techniques or modalities if you feel your current approach isn’t yielding desired results. Discuss these possibilities with your therapist.

Collaborating with Your Therapist:

Collaboration lies at the heart of effective therapy. You get out what you give into therapy, so be sure you’re actively engaging in the process. Revisit and refine your therapy goals collaboratively, ensuring they resonate with your evolving needs and aspirations. Remember, your therapist is a partner in your journey toward growth and healing. Open, honest communication with your therapist fosters a space for constructive dialogue and adjustments in the therapeutic approach.

1. Goal Reassessment: Periodically revisit and refine your therapy goals in collaboration with your therapist. Ensure these goals align with your evolving needs and aspirations.
2. Feedback and Adjustment: Provide honest feedback about your experiences during therapy sessions. If certain methods or discussions aren’t helpful, express this to your therapist to guide adjustments in the approach.
3. Active Engagement: Actively engage in the therapeutic process. Take ownership of your progress and engage in homework or activities suggested by your therapist between sessions.

Therapist Red Flags and Green Flags:

Identifying red flags and green flags in therapy sessions is pivotal. Red flags, such as a lack of empathy or imposing solutions, may signal a disconnect between you and your therapist. Conversely, green flags, like empathetic listening and respect for boundaries, indicate a supportive and beneficial therapeutic relationship.

Red Flags:

• Lack of Empathy:
  • Dismissive Attitude: A therapist might trivialize or minimize your feelings or experiences, making you feel unheard or invalidated. For instance, responding with phrases like “it’s not a big deal” or “others have it worse” can undermine your emotions.
  • Failure to Validate Emotions: Your therapist should acknowledge and validate your emotions, creating a safe space for expression without judgment. If you feel judged or misunderstood, it could signify a lack of empathy.
  • Inattentiveness: A lack of engagement or distractions during sessions can signal a lack of genuine concern for your well-being. This could involve distractions like checking phones, frequent interruptions, or seeming preoccupied.
• Imposing Solutions:
  • Prescriptive Advice: If a therapist jumps to offer solutions without thoroughly understanding your situation or considering your feelings, it may result in superficial or ineffective advice.
  • Ignoring Individual Context: Solutions imposed without considering your unique circumstances or personal beliefs might not align with your needs or values, making them less effective or even counterproductive.
  • Rigidity in Approach: Therapists insisting on a singular solution or technique without flexibility might overlook alternative approaches better suited to your situation.
• Disregard for Consent:
  • Disclosure: Pressuring you to disclose information or discuss topics you’re uncomfortable with.
  • Autonomy: Not respecting your decision-making autonomy regarding treatment plans or goals.
  • Crossing Boundaries: Therapists crossing professional boundaries or making you uncomfortable.
• Defensiveness or Reactivity:
  • Resistant to Feedback: Reacting defensively to feedback or becoming dismissive of your concerns during discussions shows that they are unwilling to take your unique needs into consideration.
  • Dismissiveness: Being resistant to exploring alternative viewpoints or adapting the therapeutic approach. They might also dismiss your emotional experience or questions about their approach.
• Lack of Professionalism:
  • Lack of Respect For Your Time: Showing up late to sessions consistently, ending earlier than the time you’re paying for, or canceling frequently without valid reasons.
  • Taking the Focus From You: Sharing personal information excessively or making the sessions about themselves. Remember, you’re paying them to help you with your goals, not to chat about their personal life.
• One-Size-Fits-All Approach:
  • Inflexibility: Using a rigid, inflexible therapy style without considering individual needs or preferences.
  • Pressure: Pushing a specific technique or approach without explaining its relevance or effectiveness.

Recognizing these signs can help you assess whether your therapist is fostering an environment conducive to your growth and wellbeing. Effective therapy involves empathetic understanding and collaborative exploration of solutions tailored to your individual needs and experiences.

Green Flags:

• Transparent Collaboration:
  • Clear Communication: Engages in open and honest discussions about therapy goals, progress, and treatment plans. They ensure you understand the process and provide clarity on expectations.
  • Shared Decision-Making: Involves you in decision-making processes regarding the therapeutic approach. This collaborative decision-making fosters a sense of ownership and commitment to the therapy process.
  • Regular Reviews: Periodically reviews progress together, reassessing goals and adjusting plans as needed. This ongoing dialogue ensures that therapy remains aligned with your evolving aspirations.
• Consistent Boundaries and Ethics:
  • Maintaining professional boundaries, ensuring a safe and respectful therapeutic environment.
  • Adhering to ethical guidelines and promoting your well-being and confidentiality.
• Empowerment Through Education:
  • Provide Knowledge: Offer insights into psychological concepts related to your concerns. This includes explaining coping mechanisms, emotional regulation techniques, or the science behind certain behaviors. Understanding the “why” behind practices fosters informed decision-making.
  • Equip with Tools: Share practical tools and resources. This might involve recommending books, worksheets, apps, or exercises that complement your therapy and aid in self-improvement between sessions.
  • Encourage Self-Learning: Empower you to take an active role in your mental health journey. They encourage curiosity and self-learning, providing you with resources to further explore topics relevant to your progress.
• Flexible and Responsive Approach:
  • Adjusts Techniques: Tailors therapeutic techniques to suit your evolving needs and responses. They remain open to modifying the approach if certain methods aren’t resonating or proving beneficial.
  • Welcomes Feedback: Encourages open dialogue about your experiences in therapy. They value your feedback and use it constructively to fine-tune the therapeutic process for better outcomes.
  • Adapts to Progress: As you progress, they adjust treatment plans accordingly. Whether it’s increasing challenges or easing into deeper explorations, they adapt the pace and intensity of sessions accordingly.
• Encouraging Autonomy:
  • Guidance vs. Imposition: Instead of dictating solutions, a therapist supporting autonomy guides you in exploring options and making decisions. They facilitate your understanding of choices without pressuring or imposing their viewpoints. They ask questions that implore you to dig deeper into your thought patterns, behaviors, and decisions.
  • Respect for Personal Choices: A therapist valuing autonomy respects your decisions, even if they differ from their suggestions. They recognize your expertise in your own life and encourage self-directed choices aligned with your values and goals.
  • Promoting Self-Reflection: Supporting autonomy involves encouraging introspection and self-reflection. Your therapist prompts self-exploration, aiding you in discovering insights and solutions rather than handing them to you outright.
• Consistent Positive Rapport:
  • Establishes Trust: Cultivates a safe and non-judgmental space for you to explore thoughts and emotions. They prioritize building trust and understanding, creating an environment conducive to vulnerability.
  • Empathetic Engagement: Demonstrates genuine empathy and understanding. They actively listen, validate your experiences, and show consistent support and empathy throughout sessions.
  • Encourages Exploration: Encourages exploration of emotions, thoughts, and experiences without fear of judgment. This fosters a sense of comfort, enabling deeper self-exploration and understanding.
• Acknowledgment of Progress:
  • Highlighting Milestones: Acknowledges and celebrates even small achievements and milestones in your journey. This recognition reinforces positive changes and boosts motivation.
  • Tracking Development: Keeps track of your progress, providing feedback and encouragement along the way. This ongoing acknowledgment helps you recognize your growth and build confidence.
  • Encouraging Reflection: Prompts reflection on progress made, helping you recognize your efforts and the changes you’ve implemented, reinforcing the path toward personal growth.

Each of these aspects contributes significantly to the therapeutic experience, empowering you in your journey toward personal growth and well-being. Therapists embodying these qualities provide a supportive and effective environment for positive change and development.

When to Break Up with Your Therapist:

Knowing when to consider ending therapeutic relationships is equally important. If red flags persist or if you sense stagnation in your progress despite attempts to address concerns, it might be time to explore other therapeutic options. Prioritizing your well-being in therapy is fundamental, and sometimes, seeking a different approach or therapist is necessary for your continued growth and healing.

1. Lack of Progress: If you don’t see progress toward your goals after a few months of sessions, discussing concerns, and trying different approaches.
2. Uncomfortable Dynamics: Persistent discomfort or a sense of unease during sessions despite attempts to address it.
3. Ethical Concerns: If the therapist violates professional ethics or boundaries persistently.

Ending a therapeutic relationship can be difficult, but prioritizing your well-being and the effectiveness of therapy is crucial. If you find yourself facing consistent red flags or feeling stagnant in your progress, it might be time to explore other therapeutic options for your growth and healing.

When You’ve Graduated Therapy

So you’ve been going to therapy for awhile now, you’re feeling great, and you’ve made significant progress towards your initial therapy goals. Hurray! It might be time to ‘graduate’ from therapy. Graduating from therapy can be a significant milestone, signifying growth and progress in your mental health journey. Here’s a short guide on how to amicably end the therapeutic relationship:

Acknowledging Progress:

1. Celebrate Achievements: Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate the progress you’ve made. Reflect on the goals you’ve achieved and the personal growth you’ve experienced during therapy.
2. Discuss Graduation: Initiate a conversation with your therapist about your readiness to conclude therapy. Communicate your sense of accomplishment and how you feel equipped to navigate challenges independently.

Closure and Reflection:

1. Reflect on the Journey: Reflect on the insights gained and the skills acquired throughout therapy. Discuss these reflections with your therapist, acknowledging the valuable lessons learned during the process.
2. Express Gratitude: Express gratitude to your therapist for their guidance and support. Share how their assistance contributed to your growth and thank them for their commitment to your well-being.

Closure Session:

1. Final Session: Schedule a closing session to mark the end of therapy. Use this opportunity to summarize your progress, revisit key takeaways, and express any final thoughts or emotions.
2. Future Plans: Discuss coping strategies for handling challenges after therapy ends. Explore ways to maintain progress independently and resources you can turn to if needed in the future.
3. Leave the Door Ajar: Keep the option of returning to therapy open if necessary. Express willingness to reconnect in the future if you feel it would be beneficial.
4. Maintain Contact Policy: Clarify the therapist’s policy regarding potential check-ins or follow-ups post-therapy. Some therapists offer brief follow-up sessions to ensure a smooth transition.
5. Closure and Well-Wishes: End the final session on a positive note. Express well-wishes to your therapist and leave the relationship with a sense of closure and contentment.
6. Document Progress: Consider journaling or creating a summary of your therapy journey, noting insights, achievements, and tools gained. This serves as a reminder of your growth and progress.

Remember, the end of therapy doesn’t erase the progress made. It signifies your readiness to apply the skills learned independently. Ending therapy amicably sets the stage for continued personal growth and well-being.

In Conclusion

Choosing the right therapist is an investment in your well-being. Set clear goals, explore therapy types that resonate, and trust your instincts during consultations. Stay vigilant for red flags and welcome green flags in therapy. It’s okay to reassess or graduate when necessary, prioritizing your progress and comfort.

This journey is yours to own. Trust the process, stay resilient, and honor your courage in seeking help. Remember, you hold the key to your growth; therapy is just one step on your path towards unlocking your fullest potential.

May this guide empower you to make informed choices, foster rewarding therapeutic relationships, and embark on a fulfilling journey toward holistic wellbeing. Your mental health matters, and by investing in it, you invest in a brighter, healthier future.

Wishing you resilience, growth, and a fulfilling path to mental wellness.

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