I always had trouble making and keeping friends as a kid. Because of my unmet emotional needs at home, I cam on too strong for a lot of well-adjusted, “normal” kids. Plus, I was always a little weird and nerdy, since I spent most of my time reading Harry Potter or playing video games. That didn’t exactly click with a lot of other kids my age.

I held a lot of shame and discomfort around being myself, and showing that person to others. I became a chameleon, changing my behaviors, interests, and mannerisms to suit those around me. I lacked a real identity, so I became a collage of my closest friends.

When I grew up and moved to Colorado, I quickly discovered that smoking weed was a gateway to the supposed authenticity I’d been searching for, and it took the sharp edges off the mask I wore around other people. Needless to say, I started using it. A lot.

When I finally started my healing journey, I realized that clouding my true self in smoke wasn’t the way to being seen and loved. I realized I needed to take a step back and really assess how I was forming relationships and bonding with others, and if that aligned with my values. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

Today, I want to talk about why it’s so important to choose your circle carefully and build authentic connections, and make sure that those we are spending our time and energy on are contributing to our wellbeing, self-worth, and aligning with our values and goals.

staying true to yourself

As the haze of my past choices began to clear, I realized that the path to genuine and authentic connections required a deep dive into understanding myself – my true self, my identity, and the values that defined me. This introspective journey became the cornerstone of my transformation, enabling me to cultivate relationships that aligned with my authentic nature.

In order to really start that journey, I had to get real about, what the heck is my authentic nature? Since I had only ever been a combination of the values, interests, and ideas of everyone around me, I had to look inward to really assess what it means to stay true to myself.

How to Start Connecting With Your Authentic Self

1. Reflect on Your Past

Take a trip down memory lane and explore the experiences that have shaped you. Consider the moments when you felt most like yourself, as well as the times you compromised your identity to fit in. Reflecting on these instances can reveal patterns of behavior and thoughts that might have been holding you back.

2. Define Your Core Values

Your core values are the guiding principles that influence your decisions and actions. Take time to identify what truly matters to you. Are you driven by honesty, compassion, creativity, or adventure? Aligning your relationships with your core values ensures that you’re surrounding yourself with people who respect and support your fundamental beliefs to forge authentic connections.

3. Discover Your Passions

Exploring your interests and passions is a key aspect of embracing your authenticity. Take time to rediscover what activities, hobbies, and topics genuinely spark your enthusiasm. Engaging in these pursuits not only brings you joy but also offers opportunities to connect with others who share your passions. Whether it’s a long-lost hobby, an artistic endeavor, a scientific curiosity, or a cause you deeply care about, embracing these aspects of yourself allows you to present your true self to the world.

4. Find Your Conversational Sweet Spots

Engaging in meaningful conversations that reflect your authentic self involves discovering topics that truly resonate with you. Consider the subjects that make your eyes light up and your words flow effortlessly. These are your conversational sweet spots. Whether it’s literature, technology, travel, philosophy, or any other area, these topics reveal what you genuinely enjoy discussing. Engaging in conversations centered around your interests not only fosters deeper connections but also allows you to be more present and engaged in interactions.

5. Self-Discovery is a Lifelong Process

Remember, the process of self-discovery is not a destination but a continuous journey. As you evolve and grow, your interests, passions, and values may also evolve. Stay open to exploring new avenues and perspectives. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and try new activities, as they might lead you to unexpected revelations about yourself. Embrace the fluidity of your authentic self and allow it to evolve naturally over time.

Remember, the journey of self-discovery and authenticity is personal and unique to you. It’s about reconnecting with the essence of who you are and nurturing that essence as you move forward in life.

Assess Your Circle

Now that you’ve embarked on a journey of self-discovery, armed with a clearer understanding of your core values, interests, and passions, it’s time to turn your focus toward the relationships that surround you. Assessing your current circle of friends and family is a crucial step in ensuring that your connections align with the authentic self you’ve worked so hard to uncover.

1. Activities and Shared Interests: Are They Aligned?

Take a moment to consider the activities you commonly engage in with your friends and family. Are these activities in harmony with your values and interests? While occasional variations are natural, if your interactions predominantly revolve around activities that clash with your core values, it might be time to reevaluate the depth and authenticity of those connections.

For instance, if you’ve discovered a passion for fitness and wellness, but your circle often engages in excessive partying or unhealthy habits, the misalignment might hinder your personal growth. On the other hand, engaging in activities that align with your newfound passions can foster a sense of connection and shared purpose.

When evaluating the alignment of activities and shared interests, consider the following:

• Reflection Tips: Make a list of activities you commonly engage in with your circle. Next to each activity, jot down how it resonates with your values and interests. Ask yourself whether these activities contribute positively to your personal growth and sense of authenticity.
• Action Steps: Identify activities that align with your values and bring you joy. Consider suggesting these activities to your circle and gauge their receptiveness. Additionally, explore new social settings or groups where people share your interests, allowing you to build connections that align more closely with your authentic self.

2. Supportive vs. Destructive Dynamics: Elevating or Diminishing You?

Assess the impact your relationships have on your overall wellbeing and self-esteem. Do you feel supported, understood, and empowered by your friends and family, or do you often find yourself drained, criticized, or belittled?

Healthy relationships should provide a nurturing environment where your authenticity is celebrated. If you feel like you’re constantly masking your true self to fit in or sacrificing your values to maintain these relationships, it’s worth reflecting on whether these connections are genuinely enriching your life.

When assessing the impact of relationships, focus on:

• Reflection Tips: Reflect on how you feel after spending time with specific individuals. Do you feel uplifted, inspired, and valued, or do you experience negativity, judgment, and drained energy? Consider whether these relationships motivate you to be your best self or hinder your progress.
• Action Steps: Prioritize spending time with those who support your growth and authenticity. Engage in open conversations with individuals whose dynamics are problematic, expressing your feelings and discussing the impact of their behavior. If the situation doesn’t improve, you might need to reevaluate the place these relationships hold in your life.

3. Meaningful Connections: Quality or Quantity?

Consider the depth of your relationships. Are they based on meaningful conversations, shared aspirations, and mutual respect? Meaningful connections contribute positively to your emotional and mental health, boosting your self-worth and self-expression.

Evaluate whether your relationships are transactional or transformational. Transactional relationships often revolve around convenience or superficial interactions. Transformational relationships, on the other hand, involve mutual growth, vulnerability, and a genuine interest in each other’s wellbeing.

To assess the depth of relationships, think about:

• Reflection Tips: Consider the depth of conversations you have with your connections. Are your interactions shallow and focused on surface-level matters, or do you engage in meaningful discussions about your dreams, fears, and aspirations? Reflect on whether you feel understood and appreciated for who you truly are.
• Action Steps: Nurture relationships that encourage vulnerability and genuine understanding. Initiate deeper conversations that allow you to connect on a more profound level. Share your own thoughts and feelings openly, and encourage others to do the same. Prioritize quality over quantity when it comes to the number of relationships you maintain.

4. Emotional Investment: Does It Align with Your Priorities?

Reflect on the emotional energy you invest in your relationships. Are you surrounded by people who celebrate your achievements, offer a listening ear during tough times, and encourage your personal development? Your connections should amplify your sense of self-worth and align with your long-term goals.

Consider whether your relationships are dragging you down emotionally or if they are lifting you up and helping you reach your full potential. Meaningful relationships contribute to your emotional reservoir, while toxic ones can deplete it.

When evaluating emotional investment, consider the following:

• Reflection Tips: Gauge how much emotional energy you invest in various relationships. Do you find yourself consistently drained by certain individuals, or do you leave interactions feeling empowered and positive? Reflect on whether the emotional toll of certain connections aligns with your aspirations.
• Action Steps: Allocate your emotional energy wisely. Spend more time with people who uplift and motivate you, and limit interactions with those who consistently drain your energy. Surround yourself with friends and family who celebrate your successes and provide emotional support during challenges.

5. Relevance of the Relationship: Looking Forward

As you assess your circle, ask yourself how relevant each relationship is to your future aspirations. Are these connections helping you progress toward your goals and embody your values, or are they holding you back from growth? Remember, it’s okay to outgrow certain relationships if they no longer contribute to your journey toward authenticity and personal fulfillment.

To determine the relevance of relationships for your future, consider:

• Reflection Tips: Envision where you want to be in the coming years. Consider your aspirations, goals, and personal growth. Reflect on whether your current circle of friends and family supports your journey and whether their presence contributes positively to your long-term vision.
• Action Steps: Prioritize relationships that align with your future aspirations. Engage in open conversations about your goals and passions, and seek individuals who share your enthusiasm for personal development. Gradually distance yourself from relationships that consistently hinder your progress or inhibit your growth.

Evaluating your current circle is a natural progression of your journey toward authenticity. By aligning your relationships with your newfound sense of self, you create a supportive environment that encourages your growth and wellbeing. Surrounding yourself with individuals who uplift, understand, and resonate with your values and passions fosters a fulfilling life journey where your authentic self shines bright.

Navigating misaligned Relationships

As you start trying to align your relationships with your authentic self, you might find that some individuals no longer resonate with your values, interests, or personal growth journey. It’s important to recognize that this doesn’t necessarily mean cutting ties completely. Relationships are complex and dynamic, and just as you’ve evolved, others might too.

1. Creating Distance with Understanding

When you’ve embarked on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, you might find that some relationships no longer resonate with the path you’re forging. However, it’s essential to approach this situation with understanding, recognizing that relationships are intricate and multifaceted. Just because someone doesn’t align with your current journey doesn’t mean they won’t be supportive or relevant in the future.

When you’ve identified that someone doesn’t currently align with your path, consider these steps:

• Open Communication: Engage in a heart-to-heart conversation with the person you feel doesn’t align with your journey. Share your personal growth story, emphasizing how you’ve evolved and gained a deeper understanding of your values and aspirations. Be honest about your desire to foster relationships that contribute positively to your wellbeing.
• Setting Boundaries: Clearly define the boundaries you need to set to protect your authenticity and growth. Discuss specific activities or interactions that might not align with your current path. For instance, if you’re prioritizing a healthy lifestyle, let them know you’re reducing late-night outings or excessive drinking.
• Express Respect: Approach the conversation with empathy and respect. Acknowledge that people change and grow in different directions. Assure them that your decision isn’t a judgment on their own choices or values. Express gratitude for the moments you’ve shared and the connection you’ve had, while emphasizing your need for a different kind of support moving forward.

2. Allowing Space for Growth

As you navigate the complexities of relationships, remember that people, much like you, are on their individual journeys of growth and evolution. The connections you’ve established might not be in harmony with your current values and interests, but that doesn’t mean these relationships are without potential. Allowing space for growth means acknowledging that people change, and your paths might intersect again in ways you hadn’t anticipated.

Recognize that relationships can evolve over time:

• Empathy: Understand that just as you’ve grown and changed, others might be going through their own transformational journeys. Give them the space to explore their own values and passions, even if they diverge from yours at the moment.
• Stay Open: Leave the door open for reconnection. Life is unpredictable, and circumstances change. While you might not see eye-to-eye now, there’s a possibility that your paths might intersect in the future. Express your willingness to reconnect if your journeys align again, and part ways on positive terms.
• Positive Farewell: If your paths diverge, bid farewell with positivity. Reminisce about the good times you’ve shared and the lessons you’ve learned from each other. Wish them well on their own journey, highlighting your belief in their potential for growth and fulfillment.

3. Knowing When to Say Goodbye

Deciding to distance yourself from or bid farewell to a relationship can be a challenging decision, especially when it involves individuals you’ve shared meaningful moments with. However, there are times when prioritizing your own growth and authenticity becomes essential. It’s important to approach these situations with empathy and compassion, understanding that choosing your own path doesn’t diminish the value of the connections you’ve had.

Sometimes, despite efforts to create distance or set boundaries, a relationship might continue to be detrimental:

• Evaluate Impact: Reflect deeply on the impact of the relationship on your life. Consider how spending time with this person affects your emotional, mental, and even physical wellbeing. If the impact is consistently negative and detrimental, it might be time to consider a more definitive separation.
• Closure with Compassion: If the relationship is no longer serving your growth, approach the decision with compassion. Arrange a one-on-one conversation or write a heartfelt message expressing your reasons for the change. Focus on your own journey and needs, rather than blaming or criticizing them.
• Focus on Your Path: Prioritize your growth and authenticity unapologetically. Understand that making choices that prioritize your wellbeing doesn’t make you selfish. Surround yourself with individuals who support your journey and share your values. While saying goodbye might be difficult, it’s a necessary step toward creating a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

Deciding that someone doesn’t fit into your life at a certain point doesn’t mean it’s a permanent decision or that you’re closing the door forever. Relationships, like people, are fluid and changeable. As you evolve and navigate your own journey, remember to approach these situations with empathy, understanding, and respect. The way you handle these transitions reflects your commitment to personal growth and authenticity, both for yourself and for those you interact with along the way.

Finding Your Tribe: Cultivating Connections that Align

The art of building genuine relationships extends beyond mere happenstance. It requires intention, understanding, and an alignment of values that resonate with the very core of our being. Just as we embark on a journey of self-discovery to uncover our authentic selves, we must also embark on a quest to find those who mirror our passions, aspirations, and values.

The pursuit of authentic connections isn’t a passive endeavor; it’s an active journey that involves seeking out individuals who share our journey’s trajectory. It’s about nurturing relationships that celebrate our growth, amplify our strengths, and provide unwavering support on the path toward self-fulfillment. In a world brimming with diverse personalities and perspectives, finding our tribe means aligning with those who not only understand but also appreciate the essence of who we are.

Navigating the intricate web of relationships requires not only understanding your own authenticity but also consciously seeking out those who resonate with your journey. Let’s talk about how to find and nurture connections that align with your true self.

1. Engage in Purposeful Activities

Participating in activities that resonate with your passions and interests is a powerful way to connect with like-minded individuals who share your values. Consider joining clubs, groups, or organizations that align with your hobbies or causes you care about. These environments provide a natural setting to meet people who are on a similar wavelength.

Action Steps: Research local clubs or groups related to your interests. Attend workshops, classes, or events centered around your passions. Engage actively in discussions and activities within these communities. Initiate conversations with fellow participants about shared interests.

2. Leverage Online Communities

The digital realm offers a diverse array of online forums, social media groups, and platforms where you can connect with individuals who align with your interests and values. These virtual spaces transcend geographical boundaries, providing opportunities to engage with a global community that shares your passion.

Action Steps: Identify online groups or forums related to your interests. Participate in discussions, share your insights, and contribute meaningfully. Connect with individuals who resonate with your viewpoints. Explore platforms dedicated to specific niches or causes you care about.

3. Attend Events and Gatherings

Events, conferences, and meetups provide fertile ground for forming connections with people who share your passions. These gatherings bring together individuals who are genuinely interested in the same subjects, creating an ideal setting to engage in meaningful conversations and establish new relationships.

Action Steps: Check event listings for conferences, workshops, or meetups relevant to your interests. Attend these events with an open mindset and a willingness to connect. Initiate conversations with attendees, focusing on shared interests. Exchange contact information with individuals you resonate with for future connections.

4. Seek Authenticity in Conversations

Prioritize authenticity when engaging in conversations. Be open about your values, passions, and experiences. Authenticity creates a genuine connection with others and encourages them to share their own perspectives and experiences, laying the foundation for a deeper bond.

Action Steps: Share personal stories and experiences that reflect your values. Ask open-ended questions that encourage others to share their viewpoints. Listen actively and attentively to the stories and experiences of others. Express genuine interest in learning from different perspectives.

5. Embrace Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a powerful tool for building connections that go beyond the surface. When you’re willing to share your challenges, fears, and growth journey, you create a safe space for others to do the same. This fosters an environment of trust and authenticity.

Action Steps: Share your vulnerabilities and challenges in appropriate contexts. Express your growth journey and the lessons you’ve learned. Encourage others to open up by creating a non-judgmental atmosphere. Respect the vulnerability of others and respond with empathy and understanding.

6. Network with Intention

Approach networking with the intention of cultivating genuine connections. Instead of focusing solely on expanding your social circle, prioritize forming relationships that resonate with your values and aspirations. Quality connections have a more profound impact on your personal growth and fulfillment.

Action Steps: Attend networking events with a mindset of building meaningful connections. Engage in conversations with individuals who align with your values. Connect with individuals who inspire you or share your goals. Follow up with connections after events to nurture the relationship.

7. Embody Your Authentic Self

Perhaps the most powerful magnet for attracting like-minded individuals is embodying your authentic self. When you radiate confidence and passion for your values, interests, and aspirations, you naturally attract people who appreciate and resonate with your energy.

Action Steps: Foster self-awareness and embrace your true identity. Confidently express your values, interests, and passions. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Celebrate your uniqueness and let it shine in your interactions.

Remember, finding your tribe isn’t about conformity but rather about embracing diversity within shared values. As you actively seek out connections that align with your authenticity, you create a supportive network that celebrates your growth, amplifies your journey, and ensures that the relationships you cultivate enrich every facet of your life.

the gift of connection

Reflecting on my journey, I’m reminded of the challenges I faced in forming meaningful relationships due to my struggles with self-identity and acceptance. Those early experiences shaped my path, leading me through a haze of conformity and masking. Yet, through self-discovery and intentional choices, I discovered the profound importance of forging connections that align with my authentic self.

Every relationship we cultivate, whether short-lived or enduring, contributes to the unique story of our lives. Just as my own journey involved both missteps and triumphs, the connections we make form a mosaic that paints a picture of who we are and who we’re becoming. These connections aren’t merely placeholders but dynamic threads that weave through our experiences, shaping our perceptions and nurturing our growth.

As I began cultivating my own authenticity, I found myself guided by introspection, empathy, and the courage to let go of relationships that no longer made sense. This wasn’t a rejection of the past or a dismissal of others; rather, it was a conscious choice to align my connections with the values, passions, and aspirations that define me.

Creating distance or saying goodbye doesn’t necessarily mean closing doors forever. Relationships, like the people within them, evolve and change. The beauty lies in allowing space for growth, understanding that the individuals who may not resonate with us today could hold a different place in our lives tomorrow. There are some people I’ve said goodbye to over the years that I really hope I can reconnect with someday, and share our stories of change and renewal.

Navigating relationships isn’t just about pruning the garden of connections; it’s about nurturing the ones that align with the essence of who we are. It’s about choosing to invest our time and energy in bonds that uplift, encourage, and celebrate our journey. As we walk the unpredictable path of life, let’s remember that at its heart, it’s the people we encounter that shape our story. It’s the shared laughter, the heartfelt conversations, the moments of vulnerability, and the growth that comes from connecting authentically. Let’s embrace the wisdom of curating our circles, ensuring that they reflect the brilliance of our true selves.

Today, I cherish the authentic connections that have graced my journey, whether for a season or a lifetime. May you too navigate your path with the knowledge that the connections you cultivate are a reflection of your authenticity, a testament to your growth, and an embodiment of the beautiful story of your life.

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