wanting everything I couldn’t have
As a young girl in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, I was taught that I can do anything. I could be an astronaut, a CEO, or even the President if I just put my mind to it. I remember cheekily asking my mom like the sarcastic little sh*t that I was, “What about flying, could I fly if I just put my mind to it?”
“Yes, with a pilot’s license,” she said.
I was raised by a single mother. And we struggled, a lot. It taught me that I didn’t need a man to take care of me, and that I was capable of living life however I choose, on my own terms, with my own money. And so I did.
Because we didn’t have a lot of money growing up, I was taught from a very early age that if I wanted something, I had to pay for it. “Money doesn’t grow on trees,” was a sentiment often repeated when I asked for something I wanted. I didn’t get an allowance, either, because chores are something I had to do just because I lived there, not something to get rewarded for. My grades in school were my “job,” and I’d sometimes get rewarded for a good report card.
Growing up this way was really, really hard at times. Especially because all of the other kids in my grade got things just because they wanted them, and they got paid for the chores that they did at home. For them, money grew on their parents’ trees. It didn’t feel fair, and it hurt, really deeply. I knew my mom was doing it all on her own, and struggling to get the basics like food, cable, and clothes covered at times, but that didn’t change the way it made me feel when I had to go without, work for the things I wanted, and wear my sister’s old clothes. Meanwhile, other kids were wearing expensive shoes, playing the new video games I desperately wanted, carrying the newest cell phones, eating the name brands for lunch, and bragging about it, too. I felt less than, less deserving, less worthy. Like somehow it was my fault.
Since being poor wasn’t hard enough, when I was 9, I lost my dad suddenly. The grief that I still carry today only exacerbated my feeling of lack and loss of control.
I didn’t have the words to understand these feelings at the time, nor the tools to process and manage my emotions. I developed anxiety, trichotillomania, and C-PTSD. The only way I could express it was to cry and say, “that’s not fair!” to which the response was, “life’s not fair.” And it still isn’t.
So, when I was 16, I got my first job, and finally, I could get the things I wanted with the money I was earning on a regular basis. I still had bills to manage at that age, like my car insurance and cell phone bill, but it was worth it. Although I still grappled with the feeling of lack, growing up this way taught me some very important life lessons very early on.
At 16, I knew a few things very certainly: life isn’t fair, money doesn’t grow on trees, I could be anything, I could lose anything or anyone at any time, therefore I didn’t need any help, and I had to work my ass off for the things I wanted. And so I did.
getting what I wanted
Finally, I had freedom. And extra spending money. I didn’t have to ask permission, cry, beg, and reason for what I wanted anymore. I could just buy it. You might think I went on a spending spree, but it was quite the opposite. I still had a deeply ingrained sense of scarcity. So I spent money on what I wanted most, and I saved for my future. And saved and saved. After all, if I wanted a good job, a good salary, a new car, and a house someday, I had to go to college. And if I wanted to go to college, you bet I had to pay for it. And so I did.
By 17, I had saved my first thousand dollars. I started buying new clothes, new makeup, new video games. At 18, I bought a new(ish) car, that I had dreamed of getting since I was 12 years old! I went to community college, and kept saving and saving and saving. I was working full-time, and taking 15 credit hours in school. My classes would start around 9am and finish in the afternoon. Then I’d have about an hour for lunch, and I was off to work until 10 or 11 at night. When I got tired of that schedule, I asked my boss to have Tuesdays and Thursdays as my two days off, so I could take my classes on those days. That meant no days off for years.
I neglected my physical health, living off of cheap meals like ramen, pasta, and Hot Pockets. I neglected my mental health, coping (poorly) with weed and toxic relationships. I wasn’t even close to happy, but damn it, I would be successful.
When I graduated, I found myself with a hefty savings account, my own apartment, a well-paying yet miserable job, crippling anxiety, no real friendships that didn’t revolve around smoking weed, no partner, and a quiet, empty home.
Is this what I wanted?
learning to heal
After accomplishing all the goals I’d had since I was a kid, I hit absolute rock bottom. I decided I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t do it anymore. I had to stop nearly killing myself just to survive, and start learning how to heal the pain from my past and the damage I had done in my early adult years. The only problem was, I really didn’t know where to start.
When I still hardly knew which way was up, I met my partner, and we fell in love. And then, we triggered each other. Basically for a living. Our relationship was toxic for the first few years, but slowly, I started feeling safe with him. That’s when I realized that the hyper-independence I had used to cope with my feeling of lack for all these years wasn’t working, and it was pushing him away. I really, really needed help, and love, and support.
I realized that my deeply held sense of scarcity, fear of abandonment, and need for control were preventing me from developing genuine, healthy relationships and creating abundance. So, I stopped pushing away, going without, and saving, and I started investing.
Hard pivot into stocks and bonds? No, but that would be funny.
I realized that my health, my wealth, and my relationships were all investments. Instead of pushing them away and receding into the darkest parts of myself, I needed to pour into those things fully, and without fear, so I could receive back from them. Hoarding all my money into my savings account wasn’t building my wealth, so I bought a house. Wasting away on the couch, eating snacks and smoking weed wasn’t building my health, so I quit smoking, started cooking healthy meals, and went to the gym. Beating myself up for not feeling good enough wasn’t building my strength, so I went to therapy. Withholding my emotions and pretending I was OK wasn’t building my community, so I started being vulnerable and showing more of my true self. Putting walls up and pushing my partner’s love away wasn’t building my relationship, so I started prioritizing and appreciating our joy and commitment.
recognizing hyper-independence
I learned that my hyper-independence wasn’t a character trait, but a trauma response. It’s a coping mechanism where you rely on yourself so much that you find it hard to ask for help or connect with others when you need it most. It’s born from fear of being disappointed, rejected, abandoned, or betrayed. There are plenty of things that can cause this, but here are a few:
- Past Hurt and Betrayal: Sometimes, past experiences of hurt or betrayal can lead us to build walls around ourselves. We might have been let down by others, making us hesitant to trust or rely on anyone else.
- Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: The fear of being rejected or abandoned can make us believe that it’s safer to keep our emotions and struggles hidden. We might think that if we don’t ask for help, we won’t be a burden and won’t risk people leaving us.
- Pressure to Be Self-Sufficient: Society often values self-sufficiency and independence, making us feel like we have to handle everything on our own to be successful or strong.
- Cultural Upbringing: Some cultures emphasize individualism and self-reliance, leading us to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness or inadequacy.
- Traumatic Experiences: Going through traumatic events can cause us to develop hyper-independence as a coping mechanism. We might feel the need to protect ourselves from vulnerability to avoid being hurt again.
- Lack of Supportive Relationships: Growing up without supportive relationships or a strong social network can lead us to become hyper-independent, as we learned to rely solely on ourselves for survival.
- Low Self-Esteem: Struggling with low self-esteem can make us doubt our worth and feel like we’re not deserving of support or care from others.
- Perfectionism: The pressure to be perfect and do everything flawlessly can make us hesitant to ask for help or show vulnerability, fearing it would be seen as a failure.
- Fear of Losing Control: Hyper-independence can also stem from a fear of losing control over our lives. We might believe that if we rely on others, we’ll lose our sense of autonomy and independence.
- Childhood Role Reversal: In some cases, if we experienced role reversal as children—having to take care of parents or siblings—we might learn to prioritize others’ needs over our own and avoid seeking help for ourselves.
When things got tough, I would avoid seeking help. It’s like I felt uncomfortable or weak to ask for assistance, so I tried to handle everything on my own. I’d take on way too much, thinking I had to be super capable and do it all solo. And truly, I had a lot of experiences that reinforced this idea in me. From my upbringing, to toxic relationships, toxic friends, bullying, and sudden loss; many of my early experiences taught me that being vulnerable wasn’t safe.
Trust and intimacy were extremely difficult for me. I found it hard to open up and form deep connections, scared of being dependent on others or judged for my vulnerabilities. So, I kept a distance, thinking it would protect me, but it only left me feeling lonely. I thought that if I downplayed my emotions, it would make me seem stronger, but in reality, it just made me feel disconnected from those around me.
I used to believe that being strong meant never showing weakness. I felt like I had to appear in control all the time, even when I was struggling internally. Accepting help or compliments? That felt uncomfortable too. I’d rather do things on my own, even if it meant missing out on support and care from others.
But here’s the thing I’ve come to realize: while independence is great, hyper-independence is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can hold you back from forming meaningful relationships and getting the support you need. If you believe that people can’t be trusted, you will choose the wrong people to trust. If you believe people will hurt you or abandon you, they probably will. I’ve been on this journey of recognizing and addressing my hyper-independence, and it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
You’re not alone in this struggle. It’s okay to seek support and connection. And remember, it’s okay to take small steps towards healing. You deserve to build healthier connections and experience emotional growth. You’re worth it, and you deserve to be supported and cared for, just like anyone else.
how to heal
Healing from hyper-independence is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. It’s not an overnight process, but with baby steps and perseverance, you can create positive changes in your outlook, life, and relationships.
- Self-Reflection and Awareness: Start by reflecting on the underlying causes of your hyper-independence. Take some time to understand how past experiences, fears, or societal pressures have shaped your coping mechanism. Becoming aware of these factors can help you recognize patterns and triggers in your behavior.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Healing is not about being hard on yourself for being hyper-independent. Instead, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it’s okay to have vulnerabilities and to seek support. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a dear friend.
- Challenge Negative Beliefs: Challenge the negative beliefs that might be fueling your hyper-independence. Replace thoughts like “I have to do everything on my own” with more empowering ones like “It’s okay to need support; I know how to ask for help.”
- Take Baby Steps: Start small to practice reaching out for support. It can be as simple as asking a friend to grab coffee or talking to someone you trust about your feelings. Gradually expand your comfort zone to lean on others when needed.
- Seek Professional Support: If you find it challenging to break free from hyper-independence on your own, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. They can offer valuable insights and guidance to support your healing journey.
- Connect with Supportive People: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who encourage you to be vulnerable and seek help when needed. Having a strong support system can make a significant difference in your healing process.
- Embrace Vulnerability: Embracing vulnerability is key to healing. Open up to someone you trust about your struggles, fears, and needs. Letting others in can deepen your connections and show you that it’s okay to be imperfect.
- Be Selective: While opening up and seeking support is crucial, it’s okay to be selective with whom you choose to be vulnerable. Trust is earned, and not everyone may be deserving of your deepest emotions. Surround yourself with trustworthy and empathetic individuals who genuinely support your growth and well-being. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and protect yourself from those who may take advantage of your vulnerability.
- Celebrate Progress: Healing from hyper-independence is a gradual process, so remember to celebrate even the smallest steps forward. Acknowledge your efforts and be proud of yourself for breaking free from old patterns.
- Practice Self-Care: Engage in self-care activities that nurture your emotional well-being. Whether it’s journaling, meditation, spending time in nature, or doing hobbies you enjoy, self-care can be a powerful way to reconnect with yourself and your needs.
- Embrace Interdependence: Recognize that healthy relationships thrive on interdependence—a balance of giving and receiving support. Embrace the idea that asking for help and supporting others are both essential parts of creating meaningful connections.
Remember that healing from hyper-independence is a courageous step towards emotional growth and healthier relationships. You deserve to experience the joy of genuine connections and the support of others. Be patient with yourself, and know that you are capable of breaking free from hyper-independence and embracing a more fulfilling and balanced way of living.
reflection and a path forward
As I reflect on my journey through hyper-independence, I can’t help but see how it was shaped by my early experiences. Growing up with a single mother, we faced a lot of trauma and struggles, and they taught me the value of self-reliance and independence. I learned that I didn’t need anyone to take care of me; I could pave my own path, live life on my own terms, and rely on myself for everything.
However, this sense of hyper-independence wasn’t just about empowerment; it became a coping mechanism that I clung to tightly when life became tough. It was rooted in the limiting belief that asking for help was a sign of weakness, and vulnerability was something to avoid at all costs. From financial hardships to the sudden loss of my dad, these experiences reinforced the idea that relying on others could lead to disappointment and abandonment.
As I grew older, the need for control and self-sufficiency became more pronounced. I pushed myself relentlessly, neglecting my physical and mental health, just to prove that I could handle everything alone. I thought that success meant burying my emotions and appearing in control at all times. Yet, amidst all the achievements and the appearance of strength, I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness and loneliness.
It wasn’t until I met my partner and experienced the potential of our loving relationship that I began to recognize the impact of my hyper-independence. I realized that shutting people out and pushing away help was not the way to build genuine connections, and it was destroying the love I had found. I craved deeper, more meaningful relationships, and that required me to break free from my self-imposed walls.
In my journey to heal, I learned that hyper-independence wasn’t just a character trait or an empowering strength; it was a destructive response to past hurts and a fear of vulnerability. The path to healing required self-reflection, self-compassion, and the courage to embrace vulnerability. It meant challenging the negative beliefs that kept me trapped in isolation and learning to accept support from others.
Throughout this process, I discovered that true strength lies not in hiding our weaknesses, but in acknowledging them and reaching out for help. By having patience with myself and taking small steps towards opening up, I began to experience the beauty of genuine connections, support, and the power of interdependence.
As I continue on this lifelong journey of healing, I’ve come to realize that trusting others and embracing vulnerability is a process that unfolds gradually. Each day brings new opportunities for growth and connection. While there are moments when I still catch myself retreating into the safety of hyper-independence, I’m learning to be gentle with myself. The beauty lies in the progress I make every day. I celebrate the moments when I allow myself to lean on others for support, seek help when needed, and share my vulnerabilities with those I trust. Each step is a testament to my resilience and a reminder that I am not defined by my past coping mechanisms.
In acknowledging that healing is a lifelong battle, I embrace the hope that the connections I form and the support I receive will continue to strengthen and uplift me. With each act of vulnerability, I pave the way for more profound and authentic relationships built on mutual trust, understanding, and care. While the scars of the past may never fully fade, they remind me of the courage it took to confront my hyper-independence and seek a more balanced, interconnected life. The journey is ongoing, and there will be both setbacks and breakthroughs. But as I continue to learn, grow, and trust, I know that the rewards of genuine connections and emotional freedom are well worth the effort.
To all those on a similar path of healing, remember that you are not alone. The struggles you face and the progress you make are a part of a beautiful journey of self-discovery and transformation.
Embrace the hope that each day brings, and trust that with time, patience, and self-compassion, you’ll find yourself walking towards a brighter and more fulfilling future—one where vulnerability is no longer a weakness, but a source of strength and connection. May we all continue to nurture our capacity for vulnerability and build a life rich with meaningful relationships and genuine support.
Together, we can heal, grow, and thrive. With every step we take, we embrace the opportunity to create a life filled with authentic connections, love, and the freedom to be our true selves. Remember that each day brings the promise of growth and transformation. As we continue to learn, trust, and connect, we can build a life that embraces both independence and interdependence. Together, we’ll navigate this journey, and with every step, we’ll come closer to knowing the fullness of life, the power of connection, and the beauty of being authentically ourselves.
more like this
Leave a Reply