If grief is in your heart this holiday season, I’d love to offer some wisdom, love, and reassurance for you. Let’s unravel strategies for being present amidst the echoes of the past and find solace in the collective warmth that binds us, even in moments tinged with grief.
My Holly Jolly Heartbreak
The holiday season—the twinkling lights, the warm gatherings, the joyous reunions—is undeniably a season where joy permeates the air itself. However, for many of us, it’s a reminder of what was lost, what used to be, and what may have been. Every year, as we decorate the tree, prepare the food, watch the same old Christmas movies, and sing holiday songs old and new, my holiday spirit and the joy it brings is tinged with a deep, unyielding loss.
In May 2007, my world dimmed with the loss of my father, leaving an indelible weight of grief and a void in my heart. His death was shocking, tragic, and sudden. Soon after the loss of my dad, my grandfather got his cancer diagnosis. Then, in 2009, he too left our world, and we had to say another goodbye too soon. Since those two significant losses, I’ve lost uncles, cousins, aunts, and friends. Every year, someone, somewhere is celebrating their first holiday without a loved one.
I know I’m not the only one who feels the darkness shrouding the holiday season; while cherishing the moments with the living ones I hold so dear and fighting not to miss a single moment, I have to contend with the radiant nostalgia of what once was and the palpable absence of who no longer joins in our feast. The family gatherings, once bustling with laughter and stories, now carry an unspoken ache. Empty seats resonate with memories and the silent echoes of laughter, leaving us entangled between the past and the present.
Grief wraps our hearts in ribbon and threatens to strangle them to death, year after year.
Then, with the knowledge of an ever-fleeting fragility of life itself, it’s still so frickin’ hard to just get everyone together at the same table for an evening. We wrestle with our living loved ones about who’s hosting, who’s cooking what, and what time to show up all in the desperate hopes that we can share a holiday together.
Already feeling melancholy, we have to learn to be present amidst the ghostly presence of empty seats, to cherish the memories while embracing the bittersweet reality of what could have been. It’s in these moments of festive union that the ghosts of the past loom larger, but they also serve as poignant reminders of the enduring love that transcends the boundaries of time and space.
I’ve had fifteen years of wrestling with grief during the holidays, so I feel capable of sharing some light with those who may be new to this experience. The remainder of this article is designed to help you navigate the interplay between cherished memories and the ache of absence. Let’s unravel strategies for being present amidst the echoes of the past and find solace in the collective warmth that binds us, even in moments tinged with grief.
Finding the way Through Grief
Grieving during the holidays is a a blend of nostalgia, longing, gingerbread, and resilience. You don’t have to feel happy all the time, and you probably won’t. Sometimes grief hits in the happiest moments because you wish they could be there to share in the joy with you. It’s a really contradictory feeling that can feel extremely confusing at first. Over the years, I’ve learned that navigating this path demands a delicate balance of self-compassion and the courage to allow the duality of the season.
Reassurance comes in understanding that grief is not a linear process; it’s an ever-evolving experience. Each holiday season is different, marked by its own new memories of joy and sorrow. I’ve come to find in my journey through grief that time does not necessarily heal the loss. Through the years, I have grown more accustomed to living without those who I’ve lost, I’ve acquired a new dining table and chairs since then, and new family members to join the festivities. Although the pain of living without them has lessened, the pain of missing them only grows stronger. The more joyous memories I add to my collection, the more memories I make without them.
I’m particularly fond of, and find to be true, Dr. Lois Tonkin’s model of grief, wherein your grief never shrinks or goes away. Rather; your grief stays the same size, but your heart, memories, experiences, and self grow larger around it, until the grief is no longer the biggest component in your life. Below is a beautiful artist’s rendition of this concept I found on TikTok:
If grief is still the largest part of your heart, if it’s your first (or second, or fifteenth) holiday without a loved one, or if you’re feeling grief in the forefront this year, I’d love to offer some wisdom and reassurance for you to get you through this holiday season.
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
While there’s no ‘right’ way to grieve, there are a few ways to make your experience a bit gentler, and a bit more forgiving this year:
- Honoring Traditions: Traditions carry our ancestors from one generation to the next, through space and time. Many of the traditions we practice today were celebrated by our parents, their parents before them, and some even into ancient times. Practice cherished family traditions intentionally while allowing space for adaptation or creating new rituals that honor the memory of your loved ones.
- Let Yourself Cry, A Lot: Just let it out when it comes up inside of you. Holding in your hurt and sorrow only brings you further from yourself and your support system. Grief is just love with nowhere to go, and it’s okay to let that love show, even in all of its broken pieces. Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Sometimes, verbalizing and releasing emotions can alleviate the burden of carrying them alone and bring you closer with your favorite living people.
- Carry Their Legacy: Know that you carry their love with you always. In the songs you sing, the way you laugh, the things you love to do, and the way you act when you get mad. Pieces of them will always be with you. Share their stories, recipes, or traditions with others, ensuring their spirit lives on in the hearts of those who knew and loved them.
- Seek Moments of Joy: Welcome true moments of joy without guilt. Your loved ones would want to see you finding happiness, even amidst grief. Finding joy doesn’t diminish the love you hold for them, even when there is a shadow of darkness behind it.
- Prioritize Self-Compassion: Remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. You don’t have to attend every event or partake in every tradition if it’s emotionally overwhelming. Take breaks and practice self-care without guilt.
- Honoring the Memories: Create a dedicated space or new tradition to honor your loved ones—light a candle, share stories, or engage in activities that were meaningful to them. I love to do this through food, personally, by preparing their favorite holiday recipes.
- Talk to Someone Who Gets It: Seek companionship with those who have felt grief. Not everyone will get it, and those people might not know how to support you best, even if they want to. Engage in conversations with friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your feelings with others who know what it’s like can alleviate the weight of grief and help you feel less alone.
Remember, You Are Not Alone: Your emotions are valid, and others share similar experiences. Grief during the holidays is unfortunately a common sentiment, and there are supportive communities ready to offer understanding and comfort.
Your Loved Ones’ Presence Endures: Though physically absent, the love, wisdom, and memories of your loved ones remain eternally present. They live in the stories you share, the traditions you uphold, the legacy you continue, and the love you carry within your heart.
Grief Is Unique and Evolving: Your grief journey is unique, and there’s no set timeline or ‘right’ way to grieve. Allow yourself the compassion to navigate this emotional landscape in your own time and manner. Some years are easier than others, but it still hits me hard 15 years later.
Hope and Healing Are Attainable: While grief may seem insurmountable, healing and moments of peace can gradually find their way into your life. Each step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to your heart, your resilience, and your capacity for growth.
Closing Thoughts
“Some day soon we all will be togethеr
If the fates allow
Until then wе’ll have to muddle through somehow”
— Hugh Martin, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (1943)
As the holiday lights twinkle and the festive melodies play, I try to smile through this bittersweet season, honoring the legacy of those who live on in my heart. The echoes of their spirits and wisdom guide me, reminding me to cherish each moment and find solace in the enduring love that binds us.
Remember, dear reader, you’re not alone. Your emotions, however complex, are valid. Through listening to the ever-present echoes of memories, nurturing self-compassion and patience with yourself, and seeking solace and new joy in shared connections, may this season illuminate resilience and enduring love, guided by the presence of the cherished souls who continue to live in our hearts and shape our lives.
And remember to enjoy your life; we only have so much of it.
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