When you think of addiction recovery, you probably think of abstaining from substances—drugs, alcohol, maybe even things like food, gambling, or shopping. But here’s the truth that no one tells you: The real battle doesn’t end with the substance. It’s not just about staying clean. It’s about what comes after, when you’ve cleaned up the outside but the chaos inside is still raging. That’s where emotional sobriety comes in, and it’s just as important—if not more—than anything else.
Addiction is an Invisible War
Have you ever quit a harmful habit only to find yourself replacing it with another one just as damaging? It’s a familiar cycle for many, myself included—whether it’s turning to food for comfort after giving up alcohol or distracting ourselves with endless tasks to avoid confronting deeper emotions. We may think that breaking free from one vice means we’re in the clear, but often we just trade one unhealthy coping mechanism for another.
In my own journey, I’ve struggled with emotional sobriety in ways that many might not expect. While I never became addicted to substances like drugs or alcohol (although marijuana almost got me), I found myself trapped in patterns of emotional chaos, behaviors like overeating, self-harming, and love addiction that kept me stuck in the same cycles of distress.
In the language of the 12 Steps, I’m a codependent. I’m also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA). These challenges are the result of growing up in a household where addiction and codependency intertwined, shaping my understanding of love, safety, and self-worth. My father’s battle with alcoholism ended with his death in 2007, while my mother, in her own way, continued to fight to save him—and many others after him. I watched her try to fix people, and in doing so, I learned that to be loved or to feel safe, I had to suppress my emotions and focus entirely on meeting the needs of others. As a child, I was so desperate to find my place in the world that I forgot to learn how to be true to myself. This emotional suppression became its own kind of addiction, and breaking free from it was just as hard as quitting any physical substance.
While I can’t speak from the experience of struggling with sobriety after getting clean from drugs and alcohol, I can tell you what it feels like to grapple with emotional sobriety. I’ve fought my own battles with self-soothing behaviors like overeating, constant distractions, love addiction, codependency, self-harming behaviors, numbing my feelings, and adopting a victim mindset. These are the struggles that come with living in emotional chaos—long after the physical substances are gone.
This article is for those who know the battle doesn’t end with abstinence. Whether you’re a recovering addict or an Adult Child of an Alcoholic or addict, the road to emotional sobriety is just as important, and it’s one that can support your long-term recovery and help you stay sober for the long run. Through this piece, I hope to share insights and tools that can help you stay clean, not just from substances, but from the unhealthy patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of emotional distress.
What’s Really Going On Inside
The real root of addiction, in any form, is this deep, gnawing emotional pain. Something inside feels wrong, and instead of dealing with it, we try to escape it—whether it’s with substances or behaviors. But here’s the kicker: The emotional pain doesn’t go away when the substances do. It sits there, festering, waiting to be dealt with. And when we don’t address it, we end up filling the void with something else. It’s like putting a Band-Aid over a wound that needs stitches.
In my journey, I realized that addiction wasn’t just about what I was using or doing—it was about my inability to sit with my own feelings. To just feel them. I didn’t know how to process my emotions without running from them, so I’d distract myself or numb myself with anything I could get my hands on.
The thing is, emotional pain doesn’t disappear if you ignore it. In fact, it gets louder. And eventually, you’ll have to face it. That’s what emotional sobriety is all about: facing the things that are still broken inside you. It’s not easy, and it’s not pretty, but it’s real. And sometimes, we need a guide to help us navigate this process. One such guide is Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance by Tian Dayton. Dayton’s work offers a deep dive into understanding the emotional chaos we often carry and provides tools for creating healthier emotional patterns. If you’ve been grappling with feelings you can’t make sense of, this book and its accompanying workbook can help you start unraveling the source of that emotional distress.
Getting Real About Emotional Sobriety
If you’ve been in recovery for a while, you know that stopping the substances is just the beginning. But that doesn’t mean the work is over. It’s about what you do after the high wears off. And for me, emotional sobriety has been about learning how to sit with the discomfort, the pain, the feelings I used to bury. It’s about learning that it’s okay to feel—and that I don’t need to numb or escape those feelings anymore.
It took me a long time to realize that emotional sobriety wasn’t something you just “get” in recovery. It’s something you work at every single day. It’s about getting honest with yourself about the things you’re running from. And it’s about building a toolbox full of ways to deal with those emotions without turning to the old coping mechanisms.
So, How Do You Move Forward?
The truth is, there’s no magic formula for emotional sobriety. It’s not like you wake up one day and suddenly you’ve got it all figured out. But there are steps you can take to start making progress:
1. Let Yourself Feel
I know, it sounds like the last thing you want to do. But here’s the deal: if you keep running from your feelings, they’ll only get stronger. Start by allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable. This isn’t about wallowing; it’s about getting real with yourself. What are you really feeling right now? Where is it coming from? This is how you start understanding your emotional landscape, instead of running from it. And if you have years and years of deep sh*t buried underneath the surface, don’t be surprised or ashamed to turn to a therapist for help. That’s what they’re there for.
In my journey, I realized that addiction wasn’t just about what I was using or doing—it was about my inability to sit with my own feelings. To just feel them. I didn’t know how to process my emotions without running from them, so I’d distract myself or numb myself with anything I could get my hands on. This is where books like The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown and its accompanying workbook can be a game-changer. Brown’s work emphasizes the importance of embracing vulnerability and imperfection, which is essential for anyone on the road to emotional sobriety. Her insights about letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be can help break the cycle of emotional avoidance.
2. Stop Trying to Fix Everyone Else
This was a huge one for me. I learned early on that if I focused on other people’s problems, I didn’t have to deal with my own. But here’s the thing: You can’t heal other people if you’re not healing yourself first. Stop trying to fix people. Focus on your own emotional recovery, even if that means letting go of relationships or people who don’t serve your healing journey. It’s hard, but it’s necessary.
3. Build Healthy Coping Mechanisms
You’ve probably used food, alcohol, or relationships as a way to cope with your feelings. The trick now is finding new ways to deal with your emotions. This could be anything from physical exercise, writing, art, talking to a support group, or even just spending time alone and sober to process your thoughts. The goal is to find healthier ways to sit with and move through your emotions instead of running from them. Physical exercise is my favorite go-to, although it took me time to get there. I like that I can actually, physically, feel my emotions moving through my body and exiting through my sweat and breath. Call me crazy but it works.
4. Learn to Love Yourself
I’ll be honest: this is something I’m still working on every day. But self-love is at the core of emotional sobriety. You have to learn to accept and love yourself, even the broken parts. This means giving yourself grace when you mess up and learning to be kind to yourself when things get tough. Emotional sobriety is about not just stopping the behaviors, but learning to treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you give to others. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, that’s why I wrote The Essential Guide to Cultivating Self-Love. Love you.
5. Rewire Your Dopamine System
One of the toughest parts of breaking free from addiction—whether it’s to substances, behaviors, or emotional patterns—is that our brains get used to a certain level of dopamine. Dopamine is that feel-good chemical that gets released when we engage in pleasurable activities. In addiction, that dopamine hit often comes from unhealthy sources: drugs, food, gambling, or other distractions. But it’s possible to rewire your brain to find joy and reward in healthier choices.
This takes time, and it’s not going to happen overnight. But slowly, as you replace those old habits with new, healthier ones, your brain starts to adjust. You can train yourself to experience joy from things like exercise, a good conversation, creative outlets, or even something simple like a warm cup of tea.
Start small. Find things that make you feel good in a way that isn’t self-destructive. Maybe it’s journaling, gardening, or painting. Maybe it’s calling a friend just to check in. Each time you experience these new sources of joy, your brain starts to associate those activities with the dopamine hit you used to get from unhealthy behaviors. Over time, these new rewards can start to replace the old patterns and help rewire your brain in a healthier, more sustainable way.
It’s a process of training your body and mind to find fulfillment in the right places, but trust me—it’s worth it.
The Bottom Line: Keep Going
Here’s the thing: emotional sobriety isn’t easy. It’s not clean and neat, and it doesn’t come with a clear-cut road map. It’s messy, raw, and real. But it’s worth it. Every single step forward in facing your emotions and working through your pain is a step closer to real freedom. Not just from substances, but from the emotional turmoil that has held you captive for so long.
You’re not alone in this. We’re all out here, stumbling, falling, but getting back up and doing the work. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being real with yourself. So take a deep breath, and keep going. One step at a time. You’ve got this, and you deserve a better life. You don’t have to live in the chaos just because you were born into it.
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