parental grief and trauma: missing someone who hurt you
This is a heavy subject, but it’s one I feel needs to be talked about. If you’ve read my father’s story, you’ll know that I lost my dad to alcoholism when I was only nine years old. That in itself was extremely hard, painful, and traumatizing, but there’s a lot I didn’t write about that is the reality of growing up with an alcoholic parent.
My dad’s disease broke apart my family, his relationships, and my ability to trust. The instability, unpredictability, and inconsistency of living with an alcoholic parent taught me to walk on eggshells, suppress my own feelings, feel ashamed of myself, and care more for my parent’s needs than my own. I developed chronic anxiety because for as long as I can remember, I needed to be hyper-aware of my surroundings and the actions of others in order to keep myself safe.
As I grew older, I had the typical struggles of a child with an alcoholic parent, including low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. I had difficulty trusting others and forming healthy attachments, so I struggled to make and keep genuine friendships. I also never properly learned to regulate my own emotions, leading to outbursts of anger and sadness and emotional numbness.
Because of the mistakes of my parents, and my dad’s mental illness, I continue to suffer through this day and work through my difficulties in therapy.
I constantly wonder, if they had been different, would I be different? If they had protected me, how much more capable would I be?
And then, he died. We had no idea he was going to die. It was a shock to us all, including my mom, who tried to protect us from him. Because of this, I didn’t get to see him much right before he died. I wrote him letters, and had seen him maybe twice in the year preceding his death. Although I had no control over it and we had no way of knowing, I regret this all the time. I wonder, did he know how much I loved him? Did he know I missed him as much as he missed me?
Since his death, when I miss him, I think about the good times. I think about who he could have been, and the family we might have had. But the truth is, even if he were alive, we would have never had that family because he was sick. If he were alive, I could have more moments to cherish with him, but the pain, hurt, and trauma would persist.
I imagine this feeling is very similar for adults who have completely cut off their parents from their lives. It is natural to long for that connection, even from someone who hurt you, and continues to hurt you when allowed in your life. So today, we’re going to talk about the grief that comes from losing a parent – whether suddenly or gradually, by force or by choice – and the complicated emotions surrounding that loss when your parents inflicted trauma upon you.
no one talks about this
Grief and trauma, two powerful emotions, often intersect in the lives of those of us who’ve experienced loss due to the actions of a parent or loved one. However, society’s common narrative surrounding death tends to focus solely on celebrating the positive aspects of the deceased’s life while leaving the painful and traumatic experiences in the shadows. This silence around the darker aspects of the relationship can be isolating and alienating for those who are left to grapple with the complex emotions of grief and trauma intertwined.
When someone passes away, it is customary to honor their memory by reminiscing about the happy times, their achievements, and their positive contributions to the world. This approach, though well-intentioned, often disregards the pain and suffering they might have caused during their life, especially to their closest family members. It perpetuates the notion that “speaking ill of the dead” is inappropriate and disrespectful, inadvertently stifling the voices of those who carry the heavy burden of trauma from their relationship with the deceased. At the same time, it can be impossible to grapple with difficult feelings of anguish, anger, and heartache when you’re missing them dearly.
Similarly, there are those who experience the grief of estrangement from living parents due to traumatic experiences. The decision to distance oneself from a parent by choice is often a painful and difficult one, born out of the need to protect oneself from ongoing harm and trauma. In these cases, society’s silence or judgment around the complexity of such relationships can be equally alienating and painful.
The impact of this societal silence is profound, leaving victims of parental trauma feeling alone and misunderstood in their grief, whether their parent is deceased or living. They may find it difficult to express the full extent of their emotions and experiences, fearing judgment or rejection from others who only see the idealized version of the parent. As a result, they may carry their pain silently, struggling to navigate their grief and trauma without proper acknowledgment and support.
breaking the silence
We need to break the silence for those navigating the intersection of grief and trauma, whether it arises from the death of a parent or from the choice to distance oneself from a living parent. By acknowledging the full complexity of these relationships, society can begin to untangle the web of emotions we carry. Sharing their experiences with trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals allows them to feel heard and validated, fostering a sense of belonging in a world that often dismisses the painful truths they carry.
Additionally, we must find a more nuanced approach to grief, one that recognizes the coexistence of love and pain in relationships, whether the parent is deceased or estranged. By opening up conversations about the challenges faced during the lifetime of the parent, we can create a more empathetic and inclusive space for those who mourn complicated relationships.
For those who have lost a parent or have chosen to distance themselves from a living parent due to trauma, remember that grieving is a deeply personal journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it’s okay to have mixed emotions about the person involved. Seeking support from understanding and compassionate individuals can provide a safe space to process these emotions and facilitate healing.
moving forward
Grieving the loss of a parent who inflicted trauma is marked by a multitude of conflicting emotions. As survivors, we might experience a sense of relief that the source of pain is no longer present, which, in turn, may lead to feelings of guilt and confusion over experiencing relief in the first place. Balancing the grief for the loss of a parent with the trauma they caused can be incredibly challenging, leaving us in a constant state of inner conflict.
The passing of a parent who was the source of trauma leaves behind unresolved issues and a lack of closure. We yearn for the opportunity to confront them, seeking acknowledgment and apology for the pain they inflicted. However, this closure remains unattainable, leaving us grappling with the lingering pain, anger, and unanswered questions that haunt our thoughts.
The longing for a different outcome can intensify our grief, as we mourn not only the loss of our parent but also the loss of the chance to experience a loving and nurturing relationship with them. We may find ourselves daydreaming about the family we deserved and the parent they could have been, adding another layer of emotional complexity to the grieving process.
The coexistence of positive memories with our parent alongside the hurtful and traumatic experiences further complicates our emotional landscape. It’s challenging to reconcile these conflicting feelings, leaving us feeling perplexed and unsure of how to navigate our inner turmoil.
The trauma inflicted by a parent deeply impacts our self-identity and self-worth. The loss of that parent can further exacerbate feelings of unworthiness or abandonment, leaving us questioning our value as individuals.
As we attempt to cope with the immense pain and grief, understanding the coping mechanisms we’ve developed to survive becomes vital. Recognizing these coping strategies, some of which may not be healthy, can guide us towards stronger healing mechanisms. Seeking professional help, such as therapy, plays a crucial role in the healing process, providing a safe space to explore our emotions and develop effective coping strategies.
seeking support & nurturing healing connections
Know that it’s okay to seek support, and that you don’t have to cope with this alone. The complex emotions and challenges that accompany this journey require a compassionate and understanding network of individuals who can provide the necessary support and validation. Here are some helpful strategies to find the support needed for healing:
- Therapy and Counseling: Engaging in therapy or counseling with a mental health professional experienced in trauma and grief can be immensely beneficial. A skilled therapist can create a safe and non-judgmental space for exploring emotions, processing trauma, and finding effective coping mechanisms.
- Support Groups: Joining support groups specifically tailored to individuals who have experienced similar grief and trauma can provide a sense of belonging and validation. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can foster a feeling of community and reduce the sense of isolation.
- Opening Up to Trusted Individuals: Sharing your story with trusted friends, family members, or partners can provide emotional support. Choose individuals who can offer empathy and understanding without judgment. Opening up to others can help lighten the emotional burden you may carry.
- Educating Close Ones: Educate those close to you about the unique challenges you face in grieving a parent who inflicted trauma. Communicate your needs and the support you require during this vulnerable time. Be sure that those closest to you understand your history, triggers, and ongoing struggles so they can provide the best support.
- Seeking Professional Guidance for Family Relationships: If navigating relationships with other family members proves challenging, consider seeking professional guidance or family therapy. A skilled mediator can help facilitate healthy communication and understanding.
- Engaging in Self-Care: Prioritize self-care practices that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, peace, and relaxation can help alleviate stress and promote healing.
- Journaling and Creative Expression: Consider keeping a journal to document your emotions, reflections, and progress in your healing journey. Creative outlets such as art, writing, or music can also serve as powerful ways to process emotions and find healing.
- Setting Boundaries: Recognize the importance of setting boundaries, especially with family members who may be unsupportive or detrimental to your healing process. Putting your emotional well-being first is essential.
- Exploring Forgiveness: Take the time to explore forgiveness on your terms. This doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, but it can be a step towards freeing yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto anger and resentment.
- Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion throughout your healing journey. Recognize that it’s okay to experience conflicting emotions and that healing takes time. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this unique path.
Remember that seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a testament to your strength in acknowledging your needs and actively pursuing healing. Embracing a supportive network can provide a solid foundation for your healing journey, empowering you to find solace, growth, and transformation in the face of grief and trauma.
closing thoughts
As I reflect on the emotional journey of grieving my imperfect father, I am reminded of the strength that lies within each of us. Sharing my story and experiencing the support of others who understand this unique pain has been both liberating and healing.
It hasn’t been easy to confront the conflicting emotions that come with this type of loss. The complexity of emotions surrounding the loss of my dad still weighs heavily on my heart. The unresolved issues and lack of closure are daunting, leaving me yearning for a chance to confront my father, to demand answers, to receive the acknowledgment and apology I never received. Coming to terms with the fact that closure would never come in the conventional sense was painful, but I found solace in the support of understanding friends and therapy, where I could explore my emotions without judgment.
The trauma inflicted by my parent has undoubtedly impacted my self-identity and self-worth. But I’ve come to realize that I am not defined by the pain they caused. I am resilient, deserving of love and respect, and capable of healing and growth.
The concept of forgiveness has been a journey of its own. I’ve learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning the hurt, but rather, it’s about freeing myself from the burden of carrying resentment. It’s a process that I continue to navigate, understanding that forgiveness is not a destination but a path towards inner peace.
As I reframe the narrative of my journey, I find strength in knowing that healing is not a linear process. It’s about embracing the messy emotions, the highs and lows, and finding growth in the midst of pain. To those who are on a similar path, know that you are not alone. Your emotions are valid, and your journey is unique to you. Seek support, share your story, and surround yourself with understanding souls who will walk beside you without judgment.
This road of grieving a parent who inflicted trauma is emotionally challenging, but it is also an opportunity for transformation and healing. Together, let’s break the silence, validate each other’s experiences, and create a community of compassion and understanding as we navigate this deeply personal and courageous journey of grief and trauma.
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