“High functioning” just means you’re really great at hiding when you’re struggling. Let’s talk more in-depth about what that means, how to cope, and fighting the stigma.
on the surface…
I had straight A’s in second grade when my dad was deported. Fourth grade, too, when he died. I graduated high school two months after I found out I was being cheated on by my first love. I bought a brand new car the day I was abruptly told I had 30 days to move out of my apartment. I took a two week vacation in Europe the year I was at my loneliest. Got my first HR job right out of college as I was recovering from substance abuse. I got a 4.0 for the first time since fourth grade in my Master’s program that I finished while depressed during COVID. Networked like a boss at the conference I just went to 2 weeks after my miscarriage.
I dropped out of preschool, though (for real), when my parents split up and we left my dad. We can’t all be perfect.
Is that too much? Oh well, what’s the point of having a mental health & wellness blog if you don’t want to talk about it when you’re unwell and struggling with your metal illness(es)?
I can’t even quantify with words, time, or art how much WORK I’ve put in to get to a stable, mentally healthy, dare I even say – happy – place in my life. Especially in the last three years.
I bought a frickin’ home god damnit when my relationship was on the absolute rocks so I could finally sit in one place and heal. There is nothing more traumatic to me than moving. Because when your life is falling apart, is there anything better than packing all of your belongings, memories, and precious time and energy into approximately 30 cardboard boxes you fished out of the local recycling dumpsters and packing it by yourself or with 1-4 of your loved ones into a Home Depot truck?
But even when all of that was going on, the one thing that always stayed the same is I got my shit done. I showed up to work and did what I needed to do, I paid all my bills on time, I got good enough grades to pass (most of) my classes, I maintained (some) relationships, I started my career, took my medication, went to therapy, and met every last one of my S.M.A.R.T. goals.
I am the definition of high-functioning.
What is ‘high functioning’?
“High-functioning” just means being really great at hiding it when you’re struggling.
I can hardly say it better than this article from Psychology Today. Functioning is literally measured by the way one presents in the world and whether or not they can maintain some semblance of ‘normalcy’ on the surface. For example, one might look to whether someone can sustain a full-time job or get good grades in school to determine if they are functioning.
The term “high functioning” is often associated with mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and autism. In the context of mental health, high functioning individuals are those who, despite experiencing significant symptoms, manage to maintain a façade of normalcy. They might hold down a demanding job, perform well academically, and maintain social relationships, all while battling intense internal struggles. High functioning anxiety might manifest as perfectionism and constant worry, while high functioning depression can look like persistent low mood and lack of energy, hidden behind a mask of competence. High functioning autism typically refers to those on the autism spectrum who can perform daily tasks independently but may struggle with social interactions and sensory sensitivities.
High functioning doesn’t mean mental health issues aren’t there. Instead, it means that the person has developed coping mechanisms that allow them to meet societal expectations and responsibilities, even when they are internally struggling. You might see someone who seems to have it all together, but beneath the surface, they’re battling demons that most people never notice.
unique challenges for high-functioning people
Being high functioning comes with its own set of unique struggles. It means trying to balance the demands of life while grappling with internal battles that no one else can see.
High Expectations
One of the biggest challenges is the relentless pressure to maintain appearances and ever-growing obligations. People see you excelling at work, getting good grades, keeping up with social commitments, and they assume you have it all together. They don’t see the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, countless hours spent dissociating, or the moments of overwhelming despair. They see the polished exterior and think you’re fine, but inside, you’re anything but.
lack of support
The lack of visible support is another major hurdle. Because you’re high functioning, people don’t realize you need help. They assume you don’t struggle, and as a result, they don’t offer support. This can leave you feeling incredibly isolated. You’re fighting a war inside your head, and it feels like no one even notices, let alone offers to help. It’s even more difficult to ask for support when everyone around you thinks you’re managing just fine.
Burnout
Then there’s the ever-present risk of burnout. High functioning individuals often push themselves to their limits, constantly striving to meet their own high standards and the expectations of others. This relentless drive can lead to severe exhaustion, both mentally and physically. The fear of letting anyone down or showing any sign of weakness keeps you pushing forward, even when you desperately need a break. But ignoring those needs only accelerates the path to burnout.
Stigma
Misconceptions and lack of understanding from others add another layer to these struggles. People often misunderstand what it means to be high functioning. They might think you’re exaggerating your problems or seeking attention if you open up about your struggles. “You seem fine” or “You’re doing so well, though” are common responses that can invalidate your experience and make you feel even more alone. This lack of understanding can lead to increased stress, as you not only have to deal with your mental health issues but also the burden of educating others about what you’re going through.
Isolation
Isolation becomes a familiar feeling. You’re surrounded by people who see you as capable and strong, yet you feel disconnected because they don’t truly understand the depths of your struggle. The pressure to keep up the façade can be crushing, and it becomes a vicious cycle: the more you succeed, the more people expect from you, and the less they realize you might be struggling.
High functioning individuals live in a paradox. To the outside world, you’re the epitome of success and resilience. Inside, you might be completely numb or falling apart. The world applauds your achievements but remains oblivious to the cost at which they come. It’s a lonely place to be, managing to function and even excel while battling unseen adversities every single day. But acknowledging these challenges is the first step towards finding a balance and seeking the support you need.
coping strategies for high-functioning people
Through all this, I’ve developed coping mechanisms to help me get by. It’s been a journey of trial and error, but I’ve found some strategies that work for me.
THerapy
Therapy has been a lifeline. Having a professional to talk to, someone who can offer objective insights and practical advice, has made a world of difference. Whether it’s cognitive-behavioral therapy, talk therapy, or another approach, having that space to unload and work through my issues is invaluable.
Medication
Medication has also played a crucial role. Finding the right medication and dosage can be a long process, but it’s worth it. Medication helps manage the symptoms of anxiety and depression, giving me the stability I need to function day-to-day. It’s not a cure-all, but it’s a significant piece of the puzzle.
Goal-setting
Setting S.M.A.R.T. goals – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound – has been a game changer. These goals give me direction and a sense of accomplishment. Breaking down larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps makes them less overwhelming. It also provides a clear roadmap to follow, which is incredibly helpful when my mind feels chaotic.
Journaling
Keeping a journal and a planner has also been incredibly helpful. Journaling allows me to process my thoughts and emotions, giving them an outlet rather than letting them fester inside. It’s a space where I can be completely honest with myself without fear of judgment. On the other hand, a planner helps me stay organized and on track with my daily tasks and long-term goals. It reduces the mental load by putting everything in one place, making it easier to manage my time and responsibilities. Plus, there’s something incredibly satisfying about checking off completed tasks.
Exercise
Exercise is another vital aspect of my coping strategy. Regular physical activity helps reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. Even a short daily workout, like a brisk walk or a yoga session, can make a significant difference in my mood and overall wellness.
Creative outlets
Engaging in creative outlets, such as painting, writing, or playing music, provides a therapeutic release for my emotions and a break from routine stressors. These activities allow me to express myself freely and find joy in the process.
Building Support
Building a solid support network has been essential. Surrounding myself with people who understand, or at least try to, has made a huge difference. Friends, family, colleagues, and even online communities – having a support system to lean on during tough times can be a lifesaver. It’s important to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It takes strength to reach out and admit you need support.
Boundaries
Setting boundaries in my relationships has been crucial for maintaining my mental health. Learning to say no and assert my needs has helped me prevent burnout and maintain healthy connections with others. Sometimes I truly just can’t plan a friend’s birthday party or take on an extra project at work right now.
Self-care
Practical advice? Seek help. Don’t wait until you’re at your breaking point. Therapy and medication can be incredibly effective, but they work best when you’re proactive rather than reactive. Don’t be afraid to lean on others. It’s okay to need help, to ask for it, and to accept it when it’s offered. Your loved ones want to be there for you, but they can’t if you don’t let them in.
And most importantly, take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. Find what recharges you and make it a priority. Whether it’s reading, exercising, meditating, or just taking a long bath, carve out time for yourself. Listen to your body and mind, and give them what they need. Rest when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.
Balancing responsibilities and self-care is an ongoing process. Some days you’ll get it right, and other days you won’t. That’s okay. What matters is that you keep trying and that you’re kind to yourself in the process. Remember, you’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.
you don’t always have to function.
I’ve faced my fair share of struggles, but I’ve managed to come out a little bit stronger each time. Even when life seemed to be falling apart, I got my shit done. I showed up, paid my bills, maintained meaningful and beautiful relationships, and achieved many of my goals. If I can do it, I know you can, too.
Even so, we don’t need to be high-functioning all the time. It’s okay to take your time and admit you need more support. Sometimes, stepping back is the most courageous thing you can do. It’s okay to admit you need more support, take time away from work and/or school, set boundaries in your relationships, and focus on meeting your needs to their fullest.
You don’t have to do everything perfectly or maintain a constant high level of performance. Allow yourself the grace to be human, to have bad days, and to need breaks. It’s okay to ask for help and lean on others more than you usually would. Your wellbeing matters more than maintaining an image of having it all together.
Remember, self-care is a need, not a luxury, when you’re high-functioning. It’s not about doing more, but about doing what you need to sustain yourself. Take pride in your resilience, but also give yourself permission to rest and recuperate. Life is not a race; it’s a marathon. Pace yourself, take care of your mental health, and know that it’s okay to slow down and breathe.
Through all the ups and downs, I’ve learned that resilience doesn’t mean never breaking, but rather, always finding a way to put the pieces back together. You’re stronger than you know, and every step you take towards self-care is a step towards a healthier, happier you. So, be kind to yourself, seek the support you need, and keep moving forward. There’s always better days ahead, and there’s always a way forward.
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